


Paternosters and Palpitoads or: Pokemon Go was Once Very Popular on Craggy Island

by HerbertBest



Category: Father Ted
Genre: Characters Playing Pokemon GO, Gambling, Gen, Humor, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21529207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerbertBest/pseuds/HerbertBest
Summary: "I'm gonna be a Pokemon Master, Ted," Dougal said, and accidentally smacked Ted in the nose with his incense burner.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 25
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Paternosters and Palpitoads or: Pokemon Go was Once Very Popular on Craggy Island

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Haywire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywire/gifts).



Father Ted Crilly was, as he always seemed to be on blustery autumn days in those cool hours before winter and thus Christmas-related duties set in, running to beat the band. He hit the doorstep of the house in record time, pulling the door open and yanking off his jacket. He needed answers, damn it, and he knew only one man could provide them.

“Dougal! A man told me to get out of the bloody way so he could capture a Clefairy! Folks are walking around the church like they’re zombies, their phones right in front of their faces during Mass. It’s pure chaos! I don’t suppose you know what’s going on?”

Dougal was doing what he’d been doing for months – staring at the screen of his phone. “Ted, can ya get out of the way? I’m trying to catch a Raichu!”

“Oh no, you’ve got it too!” Ted lamented. 

Dougal pointed his phone at the area just around Ted’s knees, then cheered as he captured the creature. As soon as he did so, he grinned and tucked his phone into his back pocket.

“I’m gonna name it Topsy, since it’s filled with energy!” said Dougal. Then he noticed Ted – or more precisely, the look on Ted’s face. “Sorry, Ted, were you saying something?”

Ted came as close as possible to Dougal before shouting, “WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU AND HALF OF THE ISLAND DOING WITH YOUR PHONES OUT?”

“Oh! It’s Pokemon Go, Ted. All the rage on the main island, y’know.”

“What is a Pokemon and why are they going? And if they have to go, why are they going in MY bloody church?”

“Oh, it’s just a fun game!” said Dougal. “See, you sign up, and then you go about, looking for Pokemon running around on the ground all sweet.” He showed Ted his phone.

Ted smiled. “I do have to admit, Dougal, they are rather cute looking creatures. What do you do with them when you see them?”

“Hit ‘em in the head with a plastic ball and make 'em fight for sport!” said Dougal.

Ted grimaced. “Yes. I might have guessed.”

“And then you take your Pokemon around your hometown looking for people to battle. The more battles you have, the better your Pokemon get. If you get good enough at it you can claim a gym.” He grinned. “I got the church designated a gym, Ted,” he said. “And I’m gonna claim it.”

“That would explain why my parishioners look so…glazed lately,” Ted said. “Well, good on you, Dougal. If it helps our attendance and doesn’t do any harm, I suppose there’s nothing wrong with it.”

There was a bright light in Dougal’s eyes at Ted’s words. “I’m gonna be a Pokemon master, Ted.”

The words sounded a little like a threat.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Three months later, Craggy Island was still Pokemon crazy. Ted watched as Mrs. Doyle and Dougal wildly battled their characters in the middle of the living room. 

He had no idea Mrs. Doyle knew so many different ways to call someone a ‘bleeding tosser’.

“It looks like everyone’s taken to this game, eh, Jack?” said Ted.

Jack stirred from his perpetual fog. He took a look at Ted, and at the top of his lungs shouted “KILL THE BLUE-HAIRED NURSES!” 

“No, Father Jack, you don’t battle the nurses, you make the animals fight!”

“BOLLOCKS!” Jack said, taking a swig of brandy and then falling asleep so quickly Ted didn’t have time to think about what he’d yelled. 

Ted shrugged and let him sleep it off. The whole situation seemed to be carrying itself off harmlessly. And if Ted was quietly taking a little bit of money on the side to bet on the outcome of those Pokemon battles, well – no one had to know. It was just a harmless side-business – that was paying for a new wide-screen TV and his cigarette money for the next four months.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“…And they went to the city of Bethany, and lodged there,” Ted finished reading. 

“Come on Charizard!” shouted a voice from the back of the packed church. Not a face was turned toward the pulpit as people battled in the crowd.

Ted grimaced and said, “I don’t suppose that any of you know what happened to Mary and Joseph then, do you?”

“Your Likitoad is mine!” said another voice from deeper into the crowd.  


“Well, the Likitoad wasn’t in the stable with them, but…” Ted’s temper flared. His so-called parishioners continued to ignore him. “And now,” he said, “we’ll pass the hat. There is a double charge for anyone using our wifi for your little game.” 

Ted watched the altar boys stumble along with their baskets, one hand on their phones, while he ducked behind the vestibule to grab communion wafers and wine.

There he found Dougal, who was busy with his own phone. Ted shook his head. “If I didn’t have five hundred pounds riding on the league championship, I would throw them all out on their ears.” He then noticed the panicked look on Dougal’s face. “What’s wrong?”

Dougal simply held out his phone so Ted could see the request that had been sent to him. And the words made Ted’s face turn red, filled his soul with irritation.

_RuggedIslandDick wants to battle._

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“We’re going to crush him! We’ll annihilate him!” 

“Ted, you’re sweating.”

“I am not sweating! I’m purging myself of the sweet power of my hate!” Ted pulled three lit cigarettes out of his mouth and exhaled a bellow of smoke. Dougal crouched over his phone, sitting at the parochial house’s kitchen table looking as miserable as a man could look. He and Mrs. Doyle had just surfaced from a spirited battle and she was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, crying over her loss.

“Do you really think I can beat Dick?” asked Dougal.

“I have as much faith in you as I’ve always had in you,” said Ted. 

“I’m gonna die, Mrs. Doyle,” said Dougal.

“Petey!” wept Mrs. Doyle. “You were so pink and fluffy! Now you’re asleep forever!”

Ted grunted. “Now keep playing! That kid in the orphanage next door keeps spoiling for a fight! Wipe him out.”

“Ted, he’s poor and he’s got a coal miner’s cough!” said Dougal.

“He shoulda thought of that before his mom blew up in that explosion!” Ted yelled.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A thousand pounds were riding on this contest. A thousand pounds, his reputation and his cigarettes.

And no one fucked with Father Ted Crilly’s cigarettes.

Dougal only looked slightly green as Dick approached them, complete with a phalanx of men from his own church. “I’m scared, Ted. My britches feel like a bog bottom.”

“Nonsense, Dougal. It’s just the body heat. Look at the wonderful audience you’ve got waiting for you!” he said. The audience didn't look too friendly, actually. In fact, they looked like pirates or marauders. “Now get out there and spread out some incense.” 

"I'm gonna be a Pokemon Master, Ted," Dougal said once more, and accidentally smacked Ted in the nose with his incense burner.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It was, in Ted’s opinion, one of the best Masses he’d ever delivered, not that anyone seemed to care or notice what he thought. The battle was pitched, frantic, and involved several extended homilies from Ted, delivered at top volume while Dougal’s Snorlax and Dick’s MewToo battled it out in front of the packed church.

He was just getting to the best part of his remarks when both Dick and Dougal shouted aloud in dismay. The crowd rose and gathered round, and both men began to frantically press at their phones, then fell away in defeat.

“What happened?” Ted blurted out, shoving his way through the crowd. “Will someone tell me who won?!”

The crowd parted, revealing a familiar face, holding his phone aloft.

“Willy Kidman, the Coal-Lunged Boy!” gasped Ted.

“Suck it, Crilly!” the kid wheezed out, and was carried off by the cheering throng, all of the money in the pot held triumphantly over his head.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

“Well, Dougal, I suppose I’m glad everything’s back to normal. And I have to admit, things are a little bit more peaceful.”

Ted glanced at Dougal, then at the spottily attended servicegoers he was ready to preach to. They were dozing, and the ones that weren’t dozing were staring at him in disinterest.

But none of them were looking at their phones.

Ted smirked, and began his sermon.


End file.
